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Few things in life will fill you with shame, anger and disgust like the moment you sit down and have your toilet seat crack in half beneath you. But there are a few. And among them you will find the cleaning and repair of said toilet. But there is help and his name is G.G. Allin.
When my toilet seat broke (hopefully from age and not overuse or over-encumbrance) I knew I’d no longer be putting off the other repair, a valve replacement, that I’d already danced around too long. I molded my anger into excitement toward a do-it-yourself project, hit the hardware store and had at it.
Now, there are things you discover about yourself when you have your toilet mostly taken apart and you find yourself at eye level with the business end of it. You will note also in that moment, that unless you’ve taken your toilet apart before, you have never truly gotten it completely clean. If shame and disgust are things that bother you, this is going to be a very trying time for you. I, however, found in this moment that I have a hero in shame and disgust; G.G. Allin.
As G.G. was put upon the Earth to destroy Rock n’ Roll, I too was plunged into a civilization (of quite developed bacteria), neither welcomed nor of my own choosing and all that I could do was set out to destroy.
I peered into a dark, stinking place where toilet brushes had never reached, where wretched things had gone unseen and where evidence that my young son’s potty training days had resulted in plenty of shots that had glanced off the backboard but were never recovered. Where the seat had been bolted to the bowl….there was slime.
I had the option of cleaning these never-before cleaned places, repairing and then reassembling my toilet or throwing my entire toilet away and just using the other bathroom forever. Then a song came into my head…Bite it You Scum.
As I thought about G.G. Allin, the filth I’d been contemplating suddenly seemed so trivial, unimpressive by G.G.’s standards I’m sure. Though the thought of having it on my skin or of those stinking microbes spreading over my body now makes me cringe, for a moment I tried to put myself in G.G.’s boots and I got my face right on in there. I dirtied my hands and taunted the bacterium with facial expression….Bend over buddy here comes my foot!….I found myself filled suddenly with the urge to spread the slime over my face and decided I had to reel myself in a little. I focused. I cleaned. I destroyed. Then I rebuilt my toilet.
G.G. Allin was known for assaulting crowds, often with his own excrement. He was jailed for necro-beastiality and several other things in his time and he used to visit John Wayne Gacy in prison. He saw his body and his music as weapons. I broke my toilet seat and then I thoroughly cleaned my toilet for the first time. So I guess you could say G.G. Allin and I are a lot alike.