The Marine (2006) Starring John Cena as John Triton

The Marine….yeah so…I finally watched most of that one.  I’ve been trying to get through that cinematic turd for weeks.

      The bad guy from Terminator 2 reprises his role as an emotionless killer and sociopath; big stretch for that guy.  He and his gang of no name actors have John Cena’s wife for some reason and John keeps chasing them around some rural area of what I assume to be Florida maybe.  Every ten minutes or so, in spite of whatever weird obstacle arises Cena catches up to them and has to fight one for five minutes while the rest of the gang gets away again.  There is the constant distraction of cops coming along that just refuse to listen to John Cena at all when he calls them for help but it never turns into any sort of relevant plot point.
      So, Cena like kills his way up the chain of command, yada yada yada, kills T2 (whoops I spoiled it) and saves his wife from certain death even though they could have probably just killed her at the beginning of the movie.  Oh, and at some point, John Cena is a marine but he apparently isn’t anymore.  I don’t know, I may try to watch this again.
     I like John Cena, even if he does look and really kind of act like a ten year old boy who got his wish to be big granted at the county fair and has used it to live out all his very ten year old desires…but this movie it’s just awful. It pains me to say it. It really does, but it is.

He tried to warn me. “You can’t see me.” He said.  He even waved his hand dramatically in front of his face to emphasize that I should cover my eyes if ever I were to come across The Marine, but I didn’t listen.  Sorry John Cena.  I am so sorry.

EPIC DIALOGUE:  
 Director John Bonito just before handing John Cena the script of The Marine: I love you.
John Cena: What?
Bonito: Um nothing, nothing.  Do you want to be in another movie about you that I’m making?
John Cena:  (Sigh) Yes John.
(At this point in the film I don’t even know what the fuck was going on.)
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